The Not-so Sacred Web Book of John Not the Apostle
First for the Nitty-gritty!
You are sincerely invited to send in and share your humorous experiences, jokes, etc. with our readers!
Question:"When was the first time medicine was mentioned in the Bible?"
Answer:It was when God gave Moses the tablets.
O.K., so that was lame! And I suppose it might be offensive to someone (everything's offensive to someone!), but its clean, good hearted humor (unlike the PG 13 humor on my "Poop: The Real Meaning of Life" page below!).
Question: "Did you know that God has a motor cycle?"
Answer: Its true! The Bible speaks of the Day of the Lord's Triumph!"
Question: What is God's real Name?
Answer: Its Howard! Jesus said: Our Parent Who is in heaven, Howard by thy Name...
I'm not interested in anything that slams individuals or groups (well, there are some ...)
If you are offended by anything you read here, feel free to let me know. I'll consider removing or editing it (or you could try to out-do it! -- that could be fun for everyone!).
I must confess, I am partial to good satire.
So, please send in your ideas. When you write, let me know whether or not to credit you on the page (and whether or not to add a link to a specifc page).
Remember, laughter is the best medicine! and we're all at least a little "sick!"
Please help me!!!! THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Great Google
My searches to refine.
But the reply from Master was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me.
(author unknown)
World Religion In A Nutshell
A New Religious/Philosophical Analysis of Toys For the New Millenium:
Offered with love and respect for the world religions and their practitioners.Anglican:
They were our toys firstAgnosticism:
It is not possible to know whether
toys make a bit of difference.Atheism:
There is no toy maker.Amish:
Toys with batteries are surely a sin.BaHai:
All toys are just fine with us,
But ours is the newest and best.Baptist:
Once played, always played.Capitalism:
Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.Catholicism:
Whoever denies the self the most toys, wins.Christian Science:
If your toy breaks, don't fix it, just pray.Church of Christ:
Whoever's toys make music, loses.Church of Christ, Scientist:
We are the toys.Communism:
Everyone gets the same number of toys,
and you better not try selling yours!Confucianism:
Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.Conservative Judaism:
Some toys just ain't kosherCreationism:
In the beginning God made Adam and Eve
the serpent costs extra.Evolutionism:
The toys made themselves.Existentialism:
Toys are a figment of your imagination.Fundamentalists:
There is only one right way to play with your toysGreek Orthodox:
No, they were OURS first.Hare Krishna:
Whoever buys God the most toys, wins.Hare Krishnas:
Please, take this flower and buy our toys.Hedonism:
To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!Hinduism:
Whoever eats the plastic farm animals, loses.Shiite Islam:
The Mother of all Toys:
Jihad Action FiguresJehovah's Witnesses:
Whoever sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.M.C.C.er's:
How about a nice Adam and Steve doll?Mormonism:
Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.Non-denominationalism:
We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.Pentecostalism:
Pull the string,
If they talk, you win.Polytheism:
There are many toy makers.7th Day Adventist:
Whoever plays with toys on Saturday, loses.Taoism:
The toy which can be played with,
is not the real toy.Voodoo:
Let me borrow that doll for a second...
Spot the Errors 1. [The Mariners Hotel has a] "newly opened brassiere." No wonder men flocked there! (Spotted by Chris Ryan, New York City)
2. "Skewered pieces of meat, usually chicken or other foul, which are marinated..." I hope not too foul. (Carl Winters, Clearwater, Fla.)
3. "Sewing seeds is like making wishes." But awfully hard to do. (Scott Barton, Bennington, Vt.)
4. "At one point the Czechs had been called for nine offside infarctions." Talk about a hearty attack! (Paul Haberern, via e-mail)
5. "Michael J. Adams and Brian G. Keener Sr. locked in a hardy embrace." The Hardy Boys? (Chris Geiger, Irwin, Pa.)
6. "I teach my children about history, and they learn about the four fathers in school." Washington, Adams, Jefferson and Franklin? (Lois Tindall, Trenton, N.J.)
7. "All of Hartford must play a roll in making Hartford a better and safer place." Especially the bakers. (Janice Williams, Hartford, Conn.)
8. "The couple will renew their vowels at 4 p.m." O, I love U? (Susan Worthington, Lexington, Mo.)
9. "We will have a bond fire later in the evening." And maybe we'll burn some stocks, too! (Bill Hassoldt, via e-mail)
10. "His father was a tool and dye inspector." That blue is too dark! (Frank Fronczek, Baton Rouge, La.)
11. "There were marital pressures, both personal and financial, before May 17, but the incident only exasperated them." (Doris Frost, Berlin, Conn.)
12. "Stepherson has cautioned players and parents about the pratfalls of pursuing basketball stardom." Well, you can get knocked on your keister. (Miriam Neiman, Newington, Conn.)
13. "[The singer] interspersed his songs with antidotes, quips and asides." Music doth cure all. (Mark Lander, Old Lyme, Conn.)
14. "Head towards the middle to stand among the skeletal remains of tree trunks, some of which contain blue herring nests." Flying fish? (Mrs. Robert Cerwonka, Potsdam, N.Y.)
15. "A fault has developed in the air conditioning. This is being investigated. Please bare with me in the meantime." Well, that's one way of keeping cool. (Andrew, via e-mail)
16. "He's a real trooper." Smokey Bear hat, uniform, badge. (Brock Putnam, Litchfield, Conn.)
(1. brasserie 2. fowl 3. sowing 4. infractions 5. hearty 6. forefathers 7. role 8. vows 9. bonfire 10. die 11. exaggerated 12. pitfalls 13. anecdotes 14. heron 15. bear 16. trouper)
O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
So the tyops hree are not so bad mybae?
From a Craig's List post.
Here's Where the Fun Begins!
The Original Not-So-Sacred Chapters!
Read 'Em and Weep! With Laughter!
Go to: Gay Jokes.
Our newest humor page! Jokes about being nude, of nekkid! Send yours in!
- Please be advised: Much of the humor on this page is a bit risque'
Let it be... PLEASE!
- Please be advised: Much of the humor on this page is a bit risque'
My humble tribute page to the official home of the video that kicked off the "All your Base" craze, transforming it from a tiny inside joke to an explosively popular internet phenomenon!
- Buy America!
- Buy God!
- New Microsoft frozen dinner instructions.
- Much more!
May I suggest? The Ancient and Noble Path of Chickenism
Could this be the Big Bang?!!!
More Wild and Wacky Stuff! Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!
So don't expect to watch Python Videos here (but they are here!)
- Monty Python and ... Don't forget: THE LARCH
This site may tick you off if you're a Christian with thin skin! Fortunately, I think much of it is hilarious! For sure, they go too far at times, in my opinion, but any site that comes up: "Lives of the Saints," or "Why God has a Headache" can't be all bad! Two blasphemous thumbs up!
- Smile! At this site you can have your photo taken for free directly through the internet!
Possibly the most difficult game on the entire Internet! Find the Spam! Come on ladies, if you're man enough!
Monkeys on human evolution Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree,
Discussing things as they'd said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two,
There's a certain rumour that can't be true -
That man descended from our noble race,
The very idea is a disgrace.
No monkey ever deserted his wife,
starved the kids and ruined her life,
And whoever heard of a mother monk,
Leaving her kids with others to bunk;
Or passing them off from one to the other.
Till they scarcely know who was their mother.
Another thing that you never will see,
Is a monk build a fence around a coconut tree,
Forbidding all other monks to taste;
Letting the coconuts go to waste.
Why? If I built a fence around my coconut tree
Starvation would force you to steal from me.
Another thing that a monk wont do,
Is get out at night and go on a stew,
And use a gun, or club, or knife
To take another monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the "so and so" cuss,
But brother, he didn't descend from us!"
~ AnonThank You For Reading
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