God! It is so funny!

The Not-so Sacred Web Book of John Not the Apostle

Political Humor

Sometimes you stand and fight,

Sometimes you try and stay below the radar

And sometimes all you can do is laugh at the buffoons!

Cast Your Vote!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..

    Today you voted.'

New U.S State Mottos!

Alabama: At least we're not Mississippi!
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We're too small to have a motto
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (or 'Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money')
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Habla Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

How's This for Forgive and Forget?

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.

For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her: Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clintonwill entertain their wives and daughters.

What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

    ~ Thanks Tim!

More Positive News About Sarah Palin: Israel

The Top 15 Good Things About Going to Hell
  • 15.Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!
  • 14.Perpetual flame means never having to eat a lukewarm cow burger.
  • 13.Upon arrival, you realize it's a big step up from Washington DC.
  • 12. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.
  • 11. Never again will you have to debate God's existence with religious kooks.
  • 10. There's no chance you'll be living too close to a church, temple of synagogue.
  • 9. Party-Animal Satan throws one helluva weenie roast!
  • 8. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).
  • 7. Finally rid of that pesky little "conscience angel" on *right* shoulder.
  • 6. Now that you've followed Obama's advice, you just might that Change.
  • 5. Which would you rather jam to: Harps & choirs, or Hendrix & Morrison?
  • 4. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Obama and George Bush.
  • 3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.
  • 2. Everyone gets a daily dose of the Gitmo treatment: Sadist and Masochists love it!
  • And the Number 1 Good Thing About Going to Hell... 1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome to the New World Order" T-shirts


Thus Says the Prophets!

Bail 'em Out?

Back in 1990, the U.S. Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion.

As required by law, the government tried tried to run it. Remember what happened?

They failed and it closed!

What has this got to do with the bail outs?

A Lot!

Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!

No further comments necessary!!