Although long thought to be lost in antiquity, the Not So Sacred Shroud of the not particularly ordinary non-saint John Not The Apostle is now being made public for the first time!
As you know of course (and if not you should be ashamed of yourself for such ignorance!), John Not The Apostle was the original founder or "acharya" as the Indians say, of the Not So Holy Roam'n Church and its not-famous nor overly Holy Saw, located in Roam mania (which was once located in Athens Delphi until getting its own domain name).
At first it was believed by some guy at the Ranch House Steak House in Chamblee Georgia that he had been conceived of a virgin, however that was due to an honest misconception, as they say. When John Not The Apostle was born someone said it was "inconceivable" that such an unattractive baby could ever be born to a human being. After all, everyone agreed, babies are supposed to be cute! What in the name of all that is holy and just had happened here! This innocent comment was misunderstood by some nabob to mean that his birth was not produced by normal conception (i.e. that it was in-conceivable).
Others insisted that he was a "Son of a Dog" but once again it was later discovered that this was just an insulting comment that had been taken a bit too literally, so to speak. It is now widely acknowledged by all but the most brain dead and fervent members of the long defunct Roam'n Church that the non-saint was actually conceived in and uninterestingly enough, born in, the changing room of the downtown Atlanta Sears store on Ponce De Leon Blvd.
Of course what matters is not his birth, though utterly ordinary it was -- save that the babe was so God awful ugly! What is celebrated is his death. Indeed, his death brought joy to many people, and not just to those who polish their teeth with bug spray either! Billions of people all around the world were, well, awake on the very day his death is rumored to have happened! Of course, it hasn't happened yet, but most authorities agree that one day it will!
The earliest account of his Not So Sacred Shroud stems from the days of ancient Rome. According to the feeble minded scribe Phoneous Maxipad the Roman legions were all given the day off with pay to celebrate the fact that the founder of the Roam'n Church -- whose name only coincidentally resembled the name of their precious little empire and that other church group of whom you may have heard tell, according to the official biographers of the non-Movement -- had called it quits. Little did these ecstatic legionnaires suspect however that the non-saint's earthly remains would be placed in a shroud and secreted away to the future city of Touring (which many say the Roam'n Church will eventually reach and cease to roam, well, one guy said that anyway), thus giving rise to what many have called "the most insignificant and uncared for mystery of all times."
Indeed! That shroud WAS taken by night and hidden from disinterested eyes throughout the world for many many years. Through wars and revolutions the shroud was ignored and thus never messed with. In 1942 for instance it served the people of Paris as a doorstep. According to tradition, much of which I'm making up as I go along, none of the people of this Texas town who stepped on the shroud in those days had any idea that under their feet was one of the most irrelevant thingymajigs of the ancient world (though it said that some of them thought they had perchance stepped in cow poop or some similar substance). And how can we blame such Texans living as they do in the occupied US dreaming of the day when the South rises once again and their Confederate currency is worth more than a mere tourist item? Yeah pity the poor oil barons like the Bushes! May they find baked beans to eat! Surely they could not have known and many have testified publically to me that not only did they not know, but they could care less and indeed that if I didn't get out of their yards and stop trying to interview them they would call someone named "Buba" whom they felt certain would "teach me a lesson" of some kind. I didn't have enough time or funding to wait for Bubba however and so I never learned my lessons -- difficult is the life of the historian!
Finally, in the year of our Lard 2001 the shroud surfaced again and today it serves a truly noble function. It provides a momentary distraction for people in their offices and homes the world over who have nothing better to do than sit in front of computer screens reading this dribble.
Praise all that is sort of non-holy in a warped kind of a way!
And so, without further ado-do, it is my utterly nauseous pleasure to bring you,
The Not So Sacred Shroud Of
John Not The Apostle!
John Not The Apostle!
Born: 13-32-2004 AD Died: 14-66-606 BC
May he rest in pieces
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