Although long thought to be lost in antiquity, the Not-so Sacred Shroud of the not particularly ordinary non-saint Shlomo, of the mysterious land of AllFaith, is now being made public for the first time ever (since the last time)!
As you know of course (and if not you should be ashamed of yourself for such understandable ignorance!), Shlomo was the original founder or "acharya" as our Indian friends say, of the Not-so Holy Roam'n Church and its not-famous nor overly Holy Saw (of which the common people say: See), located in Roam-mania (which was once located in Geocities' luxurious Athens Delphi community -- until, praise the Lard, acquiring its own MIGHTY DOMAIN: AllFaith.com. Alas, the defection of the Roam'n Church from Geocities was more than the poor website staff could bear!
As a direct result of the defection of the not-so holy non-church, the magnanimous but largely incompetent mayors of this mythical cities realm sold Geocities to the wholly incompetent Yahoo -- of course Yahoo never created anything, they merely took good ideas from others, then destroyed them without any excelsis Deo or "by your leave." Verily I say unto you, Yahoo was even less competant than the original mayors of Geocitites and in deepest despair and, shall we say, obvious desperation, Geocities gave up the proverbially ghost and went the way of Yahoo 360. Pity that. But I digress.
Without the active presence of the Non-Saint and his Roam'n Church even Yahoo -- that bastion (or was it bastard) of cyber trustworthiness and dependably (yeah, verily I maketh a funny, Yahoo doth suck mightily) -- could not save Geocities and so it finally gave up the ghost -- another sad statistic of the cyber purges of the Year of Our Lard 2009. Geocities is missed by all who once frolicked in its glimmering streets of bandwidth gold. And so it is said (well, some people say it!), that as with everything else that has ever gone wrong in human history, this too was doubtless the fault of Shlomo and his Jewish ZOG cohorts! This is for certain they say, because verily the Jews are responsible for everything that goes wrong in our galaxy! Beyond our galaxy we must not speak lest "they" discover that we are the ones who banged the Big! -- let this be our little secret. But still, and praise Cheetos and pass the remote control for there's a Bonanza Marathon on tonight! Can I get an "awoman" (we must be gender balanced always)!
And so it was, at first, believed by some guy at the utterly non-Kosher Ranch House Steak House in Doraville Georgia ("such a country in the City!"), that Shlomo had been conceived of a virgin! However that was due to an honest misconception. You see, when Shlomo was born some self-sainted old bitty uttered in holy disgust that it was "inconceivable" that such an unattractive baby could ever be born of a human female! After all, the saints and sinners alike agreed, babies are supposed to be cute! What in the name of all that is sort of holy had happened in his case! Yon babe was U-G-L-Y! He hath no alibi! All agreed. This innocent comment was misunderstood by some nabob to mean that his birth was not produced by normal conception, i.e. that it was "Inconceivable."While it was perhaps inconceivable, he was most certainly not "Unconceived," but merely, perhaps, "Illconcieved."
Others, seeking to understand the nature of this unlikely abomination against all things pretty and dainty, insisted that he was surely the "Son of a Female Dog," but once again this honest speculation was later discovered to be just be an insulting comment that had been taken a bit too literally.
It is now widely acknowledged by all but the most brain dead watchers of MSNBC -- that being those fervent members of the long defunct Roam'n Church, who in their ongoing ignorance fail to watch Fox News -- that the non-saint was actually conceived in and uninterestingly enough, born in, the changing room of the downtown Atlanta Sears store on Ponce De Leon Boulevard (or was that Avenue -- I'll have to check the not-so ancient scroll of Prophet Google the never-Forgetful) by a woman cryptically called "Shrilly."
Of course what really matters is not his birth, though utterly ordinary and boring it was -- save that the babe was so God awful ugly! Yay, what is celebrated is his death. Indeed and verily, his death brought joy to many many people, and not just to those who polish their teeth with bug spray either! It is said that billions of people from all around the world were, ah well, awake on the very day his death is rumored to have happened! Of course, it hasn't happened yet, but most authorities agree that one day it will so wait until the last minute! Very, he may, even now, be consider, dare I say it.... Nay, I shant! But as the hymn (or was it herm?) says, "Oh what a glorious day that will be," this hope of the ages.
The Not-so Sacred Shroud
The earliest account of his Not-so Sacred Shroud stems from the days of ancient Roam. According to the feeble minded scribe Phoneous Maxipad, the Roam'n legions were all given the day off (with pay, not bad eh?) to celebrate the fact that the founder of the Roam'n Church -- whose name only coincidentally resembled the name of their precious little empire and that other church group of whom you may have heard tell -- was dead as the proverbial door nail -- but was he really?
And what the heck is a "door nail" anyway? As herstory (we must be equal in all things spelt) records, with the legions all drunk with grape juice and joy at his demise (not to mention the Jack Daniels!), Roam fell -- but that's another tale.
In any event, little did these ecstatic legionnaires suspect that the non-saint's earthly remains would be glued to an old Shroud and secreted away to the future city of Touring Around Aimlessly (which many say the still roaming Roam'n Church will eventually reach and finally cease to roam -- well, one guy said that anyway, personally, I'm not buying it), thus giving rise to what some other guy at a bar in Ormond Beach, Florida might have called "the most insignificant and uncared about mystery of all times" -- had he ever heard it -- but then, why would he have heard of it? Yay and verily, his name was Ed.
Indeed! That Shroud WAS taken by night and hidden from disinterested eyes! It traveled throughout the known world for many many years (at the time of this writing we're not certain about the unknown world but we'll check on it... maybe tomorrow...). Through wars and revolutions (not to mention a Coupe de Ville) the Shroud was ignored and thus never messed with (save perhaps by maggots or similar beings of munchiness, which all, I might add, were more cute than the non-Saint!).
Then the shroud non-miraculously reemerged in 1942 to serve the people of Paris as a doorstep! Praise the Lard and pass the ammo! According to tradition (most of which I'm making up as I go along), none of the people of that sleepy little Texas town who stepped on the Shroud day after day -- many going to and returning from Ahmad's Liqueur Emporium (Ahmad Gets You Drunk For Less! ®) -- had any idea that under their very feet was one of the most irrelevant thingymajigs of the ancient world (though it was said that some of them thought they had perchance stepped in fermented cow dodo or some similar substance and hence rubbed their feet on the Shroud extra hard, this perhaps explaining its rich aroma and stains). But of course, how can we blame such Texans for their not-knowingness, living as they do in the occupied USA and dreaming of the day when the South rises once again and their Confederate currency is again worth more than a mere tourist item to be sold to and then reproduced by the Chinese and sold back to them by your friendly neighborhood Walmart Communist Collective? No wait, Texas was an independent republic, I was thinking about Georgia... Never mind!
Judge them? I shall not! For Walmart alloweth people to camp in their lots (how cool is that!)! Yea rather, I pity the poor oil barons like the Bushes! May they find scant baked beans to eat! Surely they could not have known -- and many have publicly testified to me in private that not only did they not know -- yeah, that in point of fact they could not have even cared less about knowing had they known, and, indeed, it was told unto me by not a few of these good Texans, that if I didn't get out of their yards and stop trying to interview them, they would call someone named "Bubba" whom they felt certain would "teach me a lesson" of some kind. Alas I didn't have the time (nor the corporate funding) to wait around for Bubba, and so I never learned my lesson -- difficult is the life of an historian!
Then finally, on September 4, in the year of our Lard 1998, the Shroud finally surfaced again and today it serves a truly meaningless function.
Yea I say, verily and forsooth, under the caring and lovingly crushing boot of a tax mad illegal immigrant dictator -- born in Kenya and naturalized as a citizen of Indonesia -- our Constitutionally ineligible president -- whose cousin only happens to be the dreaded African warlord Odinga -- reality really is stranger than fiction -- the Shroud today serves as a gentle and ignored reminder of happier, more gentle times when government leaders at least tried to look like patriots and the Supreme Court still least deemed the Constitution somewhat relevant to its rulings.
But most important of all perhaps, Shlomo's Not So Sacred Shroud today provides a momentary distraction for people in offices and homes the world over who have nothing better to do with their precious and fleeting time on this rock we call earth than to sit in front of computer screens reading this kind drivel, between clicking "likes" on "Hillary for DOTUS" (i.e. Dictator of the US) Facebook pages!
If Hilary, the Butcher of Waco and Ben Gazi, follows Sheik Obama into office, then surely joyous times will befall us since this humble report of the Shroud of Touring will surely be the closest thing to real new available anywhere!
So, praise all that is sort of non-holy in a warped kind of a way!
And without further adon't, it is my utterly nauseous pleasure to present:
Shlomo's Not-so Sacred Shroud Of Touring!