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God! Its so funny!

Welcome to
Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor Pages

Jewish and Israeli Jokes

           "If you are happy, the whole world benefits." Netiv Tzaddik 71

The Fleeing Hat

A rabbi was walking down the street, when suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.

A young non-Jewish boy, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young boy handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the young man $20, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing. The young man decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race he could. After the races, the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man. "I looked at the racing program and saw that a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to1, but after saving the rabbi's hat, and having received $20 and the rabbi's blessing, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire $20 on Top Hat, even though he had no chance of winning, but to my amazement, the horse won."

"You must have made a fortune," said the father.

"Well yes, $2,000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son. "In the following race, a horse by the name of 'Stetson' was running. The odds on this horse were 30 to 1. 'Stetson' being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father. "

“Stetson' came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!"

"Are you telling me you made all this money?" asked his excited father.

"No," said the son. "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau,' which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on 'Chateau,' but the horse broke down and came in last."

"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau," you moron," said the father. "You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"

The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named 'Yamaka'."

      -- Thanks to Rabbi Salamon for this one :-)


A Rabbi’s Dozen

A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal. One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found three eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box... He interrupted, "In 20 years, only three bad sermons? That's not bad." His wife continued... "and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."

The Rabbi and the Frog

A Rabbi walks into a bar. He has a long, long grey beard, he's wearing tzitzis, the whole package. And he has a frog on his shoulder.

The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?!"

The frog answers, "Brooklyn, there are lots of them there."


A Deal with the Rabbi

Issy and Howard were brothers disliked by the entire community. They ran a crooked business, they lied, and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.

When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate one million dollars to the synagogue if at the funeral you say that my brother Issy was a mensch."

The Rabbi thought long and hard but eventually agreed.

When it came time for the funeral, the Rabbi recounted Issy's wrong doings during his eulogy at length. He then closed with the sentence "But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"


A Rabbi Walks into a Bar…

Rabbi Epstein was a particularly tenacious clergyman and couldn't stand seeing Jewish people getting drunk. So one day he went into a particular tavern frequented by Jewish patrons.

Rabbi Epstein walks into the pub and sees Stan from shul. "Stan, do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Rabbi."

The Rabbi said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then Rabbi Epstein asked another man he recognized, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Rabbi," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the Rabbi. Then Rabbi Epstein walked up to Chaim Yankel Rabbinowitz and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

Chaim Yankel said, "No, I don't Rabbi."

The Rabbi was in disbelief, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

Chaim Yankel said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


A Rabbinic Ruckus

Rabbis Bloom, Levy, Goldstein and Morris regularly have theological arguments, and whenever they do, three of them are nearly always in accord against the fourth rabbi. Today, the odd rabbi out is Rabbi Goldstein. But this time, Rabbi Goldstein decides to appeal to a Higher Authority.

"Hashem," he cries out, "I know in my heart that I was right and my colleagues were wrong! I would therefore be most grateful if you could give us a sign to prove to my colleagues that they were wrong."

Although it is a beautiful warm sunny day, as soon as Rabbi Goldstein finishes his prayer, a storm cloud moves across the sky above the four rabbis, rumbles once and then dissolves.

"Aha," says Rabbi Goldstein, "that was a sign from Hashem. I knew I was right."

But the other three rabbis disagree, pointing out that it isn’t unusual for storm clouds to form on hot days.

So Rabbi Goldstein prays again. "Hashem," he cries out, "I need a bigger sign to show my colleagues that I was right and they were wrong. Please God, please give us a bigger sign."

This time five storm clouds suddenly appear above them and rush towards each other to form one big cloud. Then a lightning bolt slams into a nearby field.

"See," says Rabbi Goldstein to his colleagues, "I told you I was right."

But the other 3 rabbis continue to insist that nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.

Then, just as Rabbi Goldstein is getting ready to ask God for a gigantic sign to end the other three rabbis' disagreement, the sky turns pitch black, the earth starts to shake vigorously, and a deep, booming voice says, "He’s right!"

Rabbi Goldstein smiles, turns to the other three rabbis, and says to them, "So nu, my argument was correct was it not?"

"Okay, okay, so now it’s 3 to 2," replies one of the other rabbis.


Best. Eulogy. Ever.

Rabbi Sapperstein, fresh out of rabbinical school, had to officiate his first funeral for a homeless man with no friends or family. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery across town and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

Rabbi Sapperstein arrived late, but noticed a few workers gathering around the grave opening. Young and enthusiastic Rabbi Sapperstein poured out his heart and soul as he gave his sermon and recited the prayers. He was so powerful that he brought the cemetery workers to tears.

When the service was over, the rabbi walked to his car and as he opened the door he heard one worker say to the other, “I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for over 20 years."


Did you hear the one about the Rabbi?

The mothers are gathered and showing their nachas. One boasts of her son, the head of a medical department; the other has a son, a judge, and a daughter, psychiatrist. One of the women is quiet through it all. Finally, they turn to her and ask: "Well, what does your son do?"

"He's a rabbi!"

"A rabbi? What kind of a profession is that for a nice Jewish boy?"

My Father the Rabbi

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose Daddy was the greatest.

David said, "My Dad is the greatest because he is rich stock broker on Wall Street."

Michael said, "That’s nothing. My Daddy is a politician and he says he’s the most powerful man around."

Moishie said, "That's nothing, my Dad is a rabbi, and he owns hell.”

“How can you own hell?” asked the other boys.

“Well my Dad came home last night and told my mom that the Shul Board gave it to him!"


Pulling it out of the Rabbi’s Hat

On a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along when a strong gust of wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after the hat, but the wind was too strong. It kept blowing his hat farther and farther away.

A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened, ran after the hat, caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful that he gave the young man 20 dollars and blessed him.

The young man was so excited that he decided to go the race track and with the rabbi's blessing, he decided to check the program and place the entire 20 dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and recounted his very exciting day to his father.

"I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire 20 dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won!"

"In the next race, there was a horse named 'Stetson' at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess what ... I won again!"

"So did you bring the money home?" asked his father.

"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the last race. There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favorite so I bet everything on him, and since 'Chateau' means 'hat' in French I figured he was a sure thing."

"You fool!" said the father. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not 'chateau!'" Exasperated, his father then asked, "So who won the race?"

"A real long shot," said the son. "Some Japanese horse named 'Yarmulke'!"


Rabbi Epstein is a Joke

Rabbi Epstein, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help him improve his public speaking skills. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such speaker boldly approached the podium and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the rabbi decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the bimah that shabbat, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to bimah he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, Rabbi Epstein finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"


The Shyster Shadken

A shadken (matchmaker) goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter." "Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."

Where's the Post Office?

A Rebbe arrived in a small town to raise funds for his Yeshiva. He was scheduled to speak on Shabbos at the local shul the next day.

He needed to mail a letter back home to his Yeshiva with the collections he received to help pay the bills. As he walked down the street he saw several children playing together. They were Jewish so he asked the little boy, "What's your name?"

He responded, " Michael"

Then the Rebbe asked, "Michael, where is the post office?"

Michael said, "Three blocks down on your left side with the huge flagpole in the front."

The Rebbe thought, What a smart child, as he thanked him adding, "Tomorrow I'll be speaking at the neighborhood shul. My Drosh will be about making Gan Eden your home. I hope to see you and your family."

Michael responded, "I don't think so, Rebbe, you don't even know your way to the post office."

A Florida Vacation

Rav Yaakov left snowy New York for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip in Atlanta and was planning to join him in Florida the next day. When Yaakov reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly Rebbitzin whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving Rebbitzin checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    Dearest Wife,
    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
    Your Loving Husband

    P.S.: Sure is hot down here.


Three Wishes

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a law firm were walking along the beach in Hatzok a few blocks from the law firm at lunchtime when all of the sudden they came upon an antique oil lamp that had washed ashore.
They rub it and a Jinn comes out in a puff of smoke. The Jenn says, "I only grant three wishes, so each of you can have just one wish."
The secretary says. "I want to live in my own luxurious home in Nahariya along the coast of the Meditarian without a care in the world." Poof! She was taken to her paradise.
In astonishment, the paralegal says. "I want to enjoy life as a wealthy resort owner in Eilat with all the amenities. "Poof! the paralegal is gone to live of opulence.
The Jenn turns to the attorney and says "You have the last wish sir" The attorney stops, rubs his chin, thinks, scratches his head, pauses then looks at his wrist watch and says, "Lunch Times is over, bring them both back to my Tel Aviv office immediately."



The Pope and the Rabbi

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.

The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

Another Traditional Version in Video form


Chanukah Stamps:

A women goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah Stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?"
"Oh my God", the woman says, "has it come to this?"
"Give me 18 Orthodox, 20 Conservative and 12 Reform"
         Thanks Noach!


Out for Dinner

A group of 40 year old buddies, David, Michael and Steven, discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the waiters and waitresses there were very young and very fast.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, the restrooms were close and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because they had never been there before.


Let Us Pray!

Little Yossi and his family were having dinner at his bubbe's house. When everyone was seated, the food was served. As soon as little Yossi got his plate, he started eating from it right away.
"Yossi, please wait until we say our prayer," said his father.
"I don't have to," Yossi replied.
"Of course you have to," said his mother. "Don’t we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"
"Yes, but that's our house," Yossi explained. "This is bubbe's house and she knows how to cook."


A Rabbi, a Catholic Priest, and Mid-Ocean Turbulence

A rabbi and a Catholic Priest were on a plane over the Atlantic flying to Europe. Suddenly fierce turbulence shook the plane as though it would disintegrate mid-ocean. After 10 long shaky minutes the turbulence subsided and all distraught passengers landed safely. The priest tapped the rabbi’s shoulder and with a sly smile said: “I think you have a secret, Rabbi. I saw what you did after the in-flight crisis ended. You touched your forehead, below the heart, left and right shoulder. I think you made a Sign of the Cross …. Hmmmm?” The Rabbi answered: “You are mistaken, my friend. I was just checking to feel if I still had everything with which I boarded the plane. Spectacles, baby-makers, comb, wallet. “

Four Lost Europeans

Four Europeans go hiking together, and get frightfully lost. First they run out of food, then they run out of water.

    I'm so thirsty, says the Englishman. I must have tea.
    I'm so thirsty, says the Frenchman. I must have wine.
    I'm so thirsty, says the German. I must have beer.
    I'm so thirsty,says the Jew. I must have diabetes.

Reaching 105th Birthday

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"


The Children of Israel

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey,
"What wuz all the grown-ups doin'"?


"Excavating In Israel "

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

    1. A dog
    2. A donkey
    3. A shovel
    4. A fish
    5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said,

"This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again..... It now says:

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"


Finally!

Max Greenburg was at his favorite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli, when he called over the waiter.
" Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
" Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked Max.
" Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
Riposted the customer, "Because I was expecting a much older man by now."


RULES OF JUDAISM

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.


Mandelbaum is Dead

Mandelbaum died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: "Bernie is dead."
The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words."
The woman answered, "Okay, then print: Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale.


The IRS Calling...

Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone.
"Hello. is this Rabbi Schwartz?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000?"
"He will."


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