Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor
"HAL would be proud!"
Please help me!!!!
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Great Google
My searches to refine.
But the reply from Master was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me.
An AOL Night Before Christmas
Twas a month before Christmas
From my wife came the wail,
"Take out the garbage
And go get the mail."
So I trudged to my mailbox
And what did I see?
Why, a miniature disc
And computer CD!
'Twas a limited offer
From America Online,
I knew in a twinkling
That this deal was fine!
for one little fee,
And if I didn't like it
I could cancel it free.
So I plugged the thing in
And it just wouldn't load,
The message said "Error!"
And something in code.
And this is when I
Started getting real nervous
So I waited four hours
For "Customer Service."
This techno-geek helped me
To load and install it,
Then demanded the VISA
I keep in my wallet.
So I gave him my number
And what did I spy?
"Terms and Conditions" screens
Then I got me a password
Now I'd surf the Net!
But I never hit waves,
Man, I never got wet.
I soon got so mad
I was shaking and dizzy
For my modem kept trying
But lines were all busy!
And all through the month
I kept trying this thing
But all I would hear
Was the "busy" sound ring.
So I called 1-800
And the AOL number
And waited on hold
'Til I lapsed into slumber.
So I tried then to cancel
But where's the address?
Somewhere in Virginia?
It's anyone's guess.
And several days later
I heard on the news
That 8 million people
Were trying to use
This AOL network
At the very same time
And that's when this CEO
Announced the solution
On how to log on,
Don't hog the phone lines
And call in at dawn!
As you can imagine
This didn't sit well
With lots of mad users
Who started to yell.
And soon the AG's
Joined them in the attack,
"Give them their money
(Or at least part of it back)!"
And this Weasel-Man leader
Tried to calm down the throng:
"Hey, I wanted those refunds
For you all along!"
So in grandiose fashion
And a big press release
Members were told
How to get back their piece.
"Just call up this number
And ask for your money,"
But then something happened
That's practically funny.
When you call up the number
(Don't get in a tizzy)
You can't get your refund
Cause the damn number's busy!
1. We would like to admit we are powerless over
multi-level marketing programs -- that our lives have
become unmanageable -- but the "next one" may be the
2. We believe that the Internet is a power greater than ourselves and
we will remain insane.
3. We give up our willpower and our lives to the great Worldwide Web.
4. We should do a search and inventory of our MLM
programs but we can't remember them all.
5. We don't dare admit our MLM junkie problems to
our upline sponsors.
6. Our character defects make us entirely ready to have money in our
7. We humbly ask our upline sponsors to build our
downlines for us.
8. Made a list of all MLM programs that failed and
became willing to invest in others just like them.
9. Made direct amends to our friends and families for
the purpose of "sucking up" to borrow more money to
invest in the "big one".
10. Continued to try and remember the programs we've
lost money in.
11. Sat in front of the computer for hours and hours to improve our
matrix position and hoped for some inside
knowledge of how to get to the top.
12. Since there's still a roof overhead I will try to carry on along
side other MLMers and practice until I get it right.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF AOL
I am STEVE CASE, your LORD, THY AOL GOD, which have
BROUGHT THEE OUT OF THE LAND OF INTERNET RELAY CHAT,
OUT OF THE BONDAGE OF COMPUSERVE...
- 1 THOU SHALT SIGN UNTO NO ALTERNATE SERVERS BEFORE ME, FOR I
HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO SCREW UP ALL THY
CREDIT CARD ACCOUNTS
AND SHALT DO SO.
- 2 THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF STEVE CASE,
THY AOL GOD,
IN VAIN IN ANY CHAT ROOM -
I SHALT BOOT THINE ASS
OFF LINE INSTANTLY
FOR ALL THE DAY & NIGHT.
- 3 THOU SHALT PICK A PRICE PLAN, I SHALT NOT HONOR IT,
I SHALT CONTINUE TO BILL THY ACCOUNT
AT $2.95 per hour JUST TO REALLY
PISS THOU OFF.
- 4 REMEMBER THY PASSWORD, FOR THOU SHALT SIT ON HOLD
FOR ALL ETERNITY,
SHOULD THOU NEED TO PHONE AOL.
- 5 HONOR THY T O S AND THY GUIDE PAGER, THAT THY DAYS
ONLINE BE LONG.
(YES, THE BOOT THINE ASS THING AGAIN )
- 6 THOU SHALT NOT SIGN ON WITHOUT MULTIPLE ATTEMPTS
( I AM THINKING AN HOUR OR SO,
SHOULD WORKETH FOR THEE ).
- 7 THOU SHALT NOT ANSWER THY IM's AT THINE WILL -
M Y W I L L B E D O N E ......
- 8 THOU SHALT NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THINE BUDDY LIST -
THE LORD GIVETH,
AND THE LORD TAKETH AWAY.
- 9 THOU SHALT NOT GO SURFING, THOU SHALT
C R A W L E T H
EVER SO SLOWLY,
UNTIL I BOOT THINE ASS OFF LINE.
- 10 THOU SHALT NOT BEAR WITNESS AGAINST STEVE, THY GOD, WITH NASTY LITTLE
I OWETH THEE NADA,
I PROMISED THEE NADA.
BONUS: THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBORS I S P:
THOU SHALT NOT COVET
THE SPEED AT WHICH THY NEIGHBOR
SIGNS ON, PICKS UP E-MAIL,
SURFS THE NET,
CRUISES CHAT ROOMS,
NOR ANYTHING THY NEIGHBOR CAN DO ON HIS I S P.
Jesus verses Muhammad
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that the Intergalactic religious leaders had also learned software programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After many days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus, called the Christ, and Muhammed, called the Prophet.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on just in time for the clock to announce that the final competition was over.
The judges asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software.
Prophet Muhammed drew his sword and angrily announced that he had lost it all in the power outage. The judges turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled knowingly, clicked his mouse, and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judges, clearly impressed, declared Jesus the victor of the compitition.
When asked why the decision was made, the judges pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from the other leader. In a word: Jesus saves!
93 (so far) Signs that you may be
Spending too much time on the Internet
- 1. You check the weather by checking under the travel section.
- 2. You fix the whole week's dinners on Sunday & freeze them so you
don't have to be bothered when somebody else wants to eat.
- 3. All your current friends have between 5-10 letters in their names.
- 4. You come into the room and people tell you that they've missed
you in the five minutes you've been gone.
- 5. You have been through one or more online engagements.
- 6. Your first child is named Heathr123.
- 7. Your child's godmother is someone you have never met.
- 8. You dream in text.
- 9. You get your friends to go on line so they'll stop bumping you off by phoning.
- 10. You get your mother to join because you just don't have the time
to stop by to see her anymore.
- 11. You fail to notice that your kids have become couch potatoes
- 12. You've met your last five girlfriends in the AstroReading room with
the come-on line "So, what's your sign?"
- 13. You go on Disability, claiming that you can no longer work due to
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome brought on by hours of trying to get
connected to AOL on a Sunday night.
- 14. You no longer have clocks that run, other than the computer
- 15. You don't remember what your bedroom looks like.
- 16. You got drunk last Friday night in one of the Saloon rooms & had
cyber with the whole room.
- 17. You have a daily planner for upcoming on-line events & scheduled
meetings with your friends.
- 18. You only answer to your online screen name.
- 19. Every time someone enters your house you hug them.
- 20. You keep the dog's/cat's food by the computer so they don't
- 21. You no longer remember how to write a letter "the old way."
- 22. Your doctor tells you you need more exercise so you switch
your mouse to the other hand.
- 23. You check your email every half hour but haven't checked your
snail mail in over a week.
- 24. You have neighbors peeking in the window to make sure you are
- 25. You look in the mirror and wonder when you went gray.
- 26. When you leave for an hour, you have to call home and have
somebody check your email.
- 27. You try to wait to eat till it's a "slow time."
- 28. You sneak a laptop into church.
- 29. You ask your pastor/priest/rabbi to go online.
- 30. You only go to job interviews where you have heard they have
- 31. You've learned more about the human anatomy online than you
ever did in school.
- 32. You try to beat your old record of continuous time on.
- 33. You want to learn a new language, so you go to the German
- 34. The Pizza Hut delivery staff know you by your first name because
cooking takes too much time.
- 35. Before you dial up your ISP, you call your pastor/priest/rabbi to pray
that you will get through.
- 36. At your wedding, you have someone describing everything
happening to all your online friends who couldn't be there.
- 37. You attend Cyber Sex Anonymous meetings every week in a
- 38. You are currently writing a do's & don'ts book about Net
- 39. You are leaving more in your will to your online friends than your
- 40. You have hooked up a computer next to your bed so you don't have withdrawals walking from your computer
room to the bedroom.
- 41. Even though AOL boots you off line ten times a day for "inactivity" even though you've been very active the
whole time, you don't quit and go to a company that wants your business.
- 42. You've named your three kids "A", "O" and "L".
- 43. Your buddy list is up to 350,000
- 44. You've developed an enormous crush on that "You've Got Mail" guy.
- 45. You've wasted two and a half years of your life just waiting for new art to be installed.
- 46. Let's just say you've gotten incredibly good at typing with one hand.
- 47. You met, married and divorced your wife without ever laying eyes on her.
- 48. Teri Hatcher comes to your house and tells you to stop downloading her damn photo.
- 49. You missed your son's graduation because bowling legend Earl Anthony was hosting a live chat.
- 50. You actually read those "Community Updates" from Steve Case.
- 51. You had your name legally changed from Bob to Bob12756.
- 52. A friend calls and says "How are you? Your phone's been busy ..........for a year
- 53. You forgot how to work the tv remote control
- 54. You call the radio station to request your favorite wavs
- 55. Your Mate wants sex, so you send him/her to the other computer and get a private chat room
- 56. You see something funny and scream "lol lol"
- 57. You name your kid Steve Case
- 58. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said "YOU GOT MAIL!"
- 59 You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 mins
- 60. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car
- 61. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
- 62. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
- 63. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you
- 64. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
- 65. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
- 66. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
- 67. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
- 68. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
- 69. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
- 70. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
- 71. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
- 72. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
- 73. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
- 74. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.
- 75. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
- 76. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you
claim it was off the hook.
- 77. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
- 78. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all
- 79. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
- 80. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how
- 81. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
- 82. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
- 83. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
- 84. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
- 85. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
- 86. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
- 87. Your voice mail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".
- 88. You type faster than you think.
- 89. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
- 90. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a
- 91. You double click your TV remote.
- 92. You can now type over 70 wpm.
- 93. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
The Broken Coffee Cup Holder
This is a true story.
A man came into the computer shop and asked for a replacement part to his
Service Rep: "What kind of replacement part?"
Customer: "the cup holder!"
Service Rep: "the what?"
Customer: "the cup holder!"
Service Rep: "computers don't have cup holders. Did you get some kind of
accessory somewhere else?"
Customer: "no - it came with the computer!"
Service Rep: "well, I have to assure you that there is no cup holders on
Customer: "oh - yes there is! For goodness sake - I've been using it ever
since I took it home. Mighty good cup holder too, I might add!"
Service Rep: "sir, I have been working around computers all my life. I
know every computer in this store. There is no such thing as a built-in cup
Customer: "and, darn it... I've been using the darn thing for my coffee
cups for a good five months now. I ain't imagining it!"
Well, they went back and forth like this for a good long time. Finally, the
supervisor had to be called in before it got out of hand.
As it turned out - they were both right. The CD-ROM drive did make for a
most excellent cup holder (just as long as you didn't mind not using it for
- From Keith D. Hansen
Best and Warm Regards,
The Enchanted Frog and the Geek
I thought this was very funny and thought you might enjoy it too.
A computer programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll
turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how
smart and brave you are and
how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled
at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man
took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and
do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Fwd: AOL Hacker Turnaround -ROFL
If this one's not true, it ought to be!
This is one of the best I've seen. ROFL at the office!!!!
In a message dated 7/31/97 7:02:32 PM, REDROBERTS wrote:
Zabu451:Hello from America Online! I'm sorry to inform you that there has been an error in the I/O section of your
account database, and this server's password information has been temporarily destroyed. We need you the AOL user,
to hit reply and type in your password. Thank you for your help.
Newfpyr:Hello! This is Server Manager #563. I'm sorry to hear that your server has lost the password info. I mean,
this has been happening too much lately.
NewfPyr:We have developed some solutions to this problem. Have you got the mail sent out to all server
NewfPyr:Really? Ouch. There's been some problems with the server mailer lately. Oh, well. Here's a solution to this
problem: try connecting your backup database to your main I/O port, then accessing the system restart.
Zabu451:no i still need passwords
NewfPyr:I see. Do you want me to send you the list of all the passwords of all the screen names of your server?
Zabu451:ya i want that
NewfPyr:Let me get the server manager to send it...
NewfPyr:He says I need your server manager password. Could you please type it in?
Zabu451:i dont have one
NewfPyr:What do you mean? That's the first thing every manager gets!
NewfPyr:Wow! You must be having a lot of trouble. Let me find out what server you're using...
[Note: I checked his profile. It said he was from Springfield, Mass.]
NewfPyr:Okay, you're number has been tracked to an area in Springfield, Mass.
Zabu451:how did u know?!!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!!
NewfPyr:I used Server Tracker 5.0 . Don't you have it?
Zabu451:do you know my address!?!?!?!!?!?
NewfPyr:Of course not.
NewfPyr:I only know the number you're calling AOL from, which is from your server, right?
NewfPyr:Good. Okay, now that we have you're number, we have you're address, and we are sending a repair team
Zabu451:dont, stop them now
NewfPyr:Why? Isn't your server down?
Zabu451:nonono its working now
NewfPyr:They're still coming, just in case.
Zabu451:STOP THEM NOW
NewfPyr:I can't break AOL Polacy.
Zabu451:POEPLE ARE COMING TO MY HOUSE?!?!?!?!??
NewfPyr:No! To your server. You know, where you're calling AOL from.
Zabu451:im calling from my house
NewfPyr:But you said you where calling from the server!
Zabu451:i lied im not reely a server guy
NewfPyr:But you said you were!
Zabu451:i lied i trying to get passwords please make them stop
NewfPyr:Okay. The repair team isn't coming anymore.
NewfPyr:But a team of FBI agents is.
Zabu451:ill never do it again please make them not come
NewfPyr:I'm sorry, I can't do that. They should be at your house in 5 minutes.
Zabu451:IM SORRY IL DO ANYTHING PLEASE I DONT WANT THEM TO HURT ME
NewfPyr:They won't hurt you! You'll probobly only spend a year of prison.
Zabu451:NO IM ONLY A KID
NewfPyr:You are? That makes it diferent. You wont go to prison for a year.
Zabu451:i thout so
NewfPyr:You'll go for two years.
Zabu451:NO! IM SORRY
Zabu451:PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP
[I thought this was enough. He was probably wetting his pants.]
NewfPyr:Since this was a first time offense, I think I can drop
NewfPyr:The FBI agents have been withdrawn. If you ever do it again, we' ll bump you off.
Zabu451:i wont im sorry goodbye
[He promptly signed off.]
One of the RARE RARE occasions that we've actually felt sorry for the hacker. SEVENTY FIVE TOKENS to you,
NewfPyr! We're STILL laughing - thanks a lot!
Thanks For Reading
Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor
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