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God! Its so funny!

Welcome to
Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor
Catholic Humor

           "Forgive me Father, for I have laughed!

         This page contains humor that Catholics will, I hope, enjoy. No offense is ever intended.


WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be. I never knew." Then he returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

    MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Fried Chicken and The Pope

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news.
Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."


Inflatable Lifelike Mail-Order Bishop!

Are you having trouble getting the sort of episcopal supervision YOU want?
Does your parish want the freedom of congregational rule without the stigma of COMING OUT as congregationals or presbyterians? Are you tired of bothering with those who disagree with you? Almy has heard your prayers and solved your problem! Now you can buy your OWN inflatable bishop, specially installed with download options to YOUR specifications! This bishop is guaranteed to say NOTHING which can surprise or offend!
NOW you can retain the HERITAGE and DIGNITY of episcopal visitation without worrying about heresy! The inflatable bishop comes with a sophisticated speaker system (activated by a remote control in YOUR hands!) programmed to pronounce absolution and benediction and words of confirmation and ordination--but only to those of whom YOU approve.
Made of lifelike rubberite, the port-a-bishop has special velcro hands which attach to heads of confirmands and ordinands. Bishop deflates for safe, easy storage.
Two models, to better accessorize your faith:

    (a) Model 1928-AC. THE ANGLO-CATHOLIC, complete with 5 beautiful removable cape and mitre sets. $300.00
    (b) Model 1928-lowprot. THE EVANGELICAL MODEL; left hand raised in warning, holding lifelike leatherette Bible. $150.00 (Please specify business suit or tweed jacket.)
    Model 1928-AC is endorsed by the Prayer-Book Society.
    PLEASE SPECIFY DIALECT OF YOUR EPISCOPAL VISITOR. Currently available: Oxbridge, Texan, Old South, Artistic Lilt*, and Rwandan
    *Model Discontinued.

The Note

Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he began to flail about as he tried to speak. Being unable to do so, he then motioned frantically for something to write on.

The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

Fred nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note, and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last ounce of strength, Fred took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife.

Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and proceeded to aloud, "GET OFF MY #@! !&*$ OXYGEN TUBE!!"


Confess your sins and be forgiven!

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."


Forgive Me Father...


A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"Don't tell me, you missed the F***in' putt?" sighed the Priest.


Catholic Math Help

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"


I'm Cold!

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said,
"Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"


The Priest's Ass

A priest wanted to raise money for the church. He was told that there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in a race. However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey and race him. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheet carried the headline:

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.

The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in another race. This time it won. The paper reported:

PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.

This was just too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby convent, and the headline read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for ten dollars, and the paper duly recorded:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS.

They buried the bishop the next day.


The Soap

One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the hallway, no one around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it.

He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear, so he makes a break for it, just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With no where to go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the nuns will think he's a statue..

The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "oh heaven's she exclaims I got a bar of soap".

The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looks steps closer and again, a couple of yanks of the priest's weenie and he drops the other bar of soap, "my goodness. I got a bar of soap too". The nun's can't believe it. The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weenie, "my God this is amazing" she says "I got hand soap!"


The Painting Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice t***," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"


A Little Vodka for Thy nerves

Jag
While looking at your pages this morning I thought you might enjoy this
Heather:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. [I dont recall this story-Jag]
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.


A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it.
The next day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her a quarter to buy a razor.

Thanks For Reading
Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor


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