Questioner: "P"
Subject: Pre-marital Sex (Fornication)Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 6 years and have been having sex since nearly the beginning of our relationship. We are both in our 30s. Recently she had some sort of "enlightening". She wants not to commit sins anymore. She wants to be Godly and I do respect that.
I truly don't believe pre-marital sex is a sin when it's with someone you really love, it is exclusive, you've been together and exclusive for a long time, and your intentions are all good and about sharing love with that special someone you're planning to marry. I consider myself Christian - but not with a strong believe system (I like to think and make judgements for myself). And it is my belief that God would not only consider pre-marital sex with loving intentions (not just for the sake of having sex, but for getting the closest you can be with someone you truly love) not to be sinful, but also I think God would be happy two souls are sharing their love for each other.
I'm really confused how she could be having sex for over six years then all of a sudden get this feeling like she's not doing things in the right order or in a godly manner. I know this may be a push for me to make the necessary move and get married, but I don't think it's all about that.
Please tell me your thoughts and knowledge on pre-marital sex in our situation (not some sleezy "get laid" one). Is this a sin just because we are not married even if it's all about loving intentions and totally exclusive?
Thank you!
John of AllFaith's reply
Hi "P",Thanks for writing.
Many areas like this seem clear-cut at first glance. I can tell you, as you obviously know, that the traditional Christian answer would be that sex outside of marriage is sinful, regardless and that you must marry. But you know this already. Your question is a bit deeper than that.
We need to first to consider what marriage is, from a biblical perspective.
There are lots of verses like 'husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church,' and Jesus doing his first miracle at a wedding feast, so we know that God blesses "marriage".
What we don't have however is any description in the Bible about what constitutes a wedding.
In ancient Israel couples were often married by entering the tent and consummating their intent, nothing more. So, what makes a marriage holy in the sight of God?
What makes a marriage legal is a different question of course, and there are several legal benefits to marriage.
The love you two share in monogamy would, in my opinion, qualify as a marriage IF you not only committed yourselves to one another but to God as well (as a couple). Even legally, most states (I'm assuming you are in the US here) have common law marriages that automatically take effect after 7 years, just one year away for you.
There is another question here however that I think is more important.
Your lady is wanting a traditional, legal religiously approved marriage. Her feelings must also be taken into consideration, and I would suggest, hers have the greater weight her.
Social and religious upbringing is a powerful influence on our lives and in this culture one "isn't really married" unless its legal. Because marriage is both a legal and religious commitment to one another, it is a powerful social norm.
Also, at any age a person can feel religious conviction over what is perceived as sin. As Paul said, I paraphrase, 'All things are lawful to me... 'and to anyone who deems a thing to be unclean, to him it unclean.' I think from these verses we can find great wisdom. Marriage, however defined, is commanded of Christians for their sexual relations to be deemed holy and any children sanctified. She is feeling your relationship is "unclean;" it doesn't matter what she thought before (and it may well be that she is only now letting you know her feelings in the matter), and so, I would say, that to enjoy a "clean" and "sacred" marriage, the wisest course of action would be to wed.
Some Christians are biblical literalist who believe the Bible must be obeyed literally as written. Other, equally devout Christians, believe the spirit of the Bible should be sought and applied to modern realities. Both are valid understandings, in my opinion. However if your partner does not feel "married" to you without the ceremony and the piece of paper, and if you wish to remain with her, I don't see that you have any choice. Failure to legally marry her will harm your relationship in the long run.
If you'd like Bible verses on this just let me know, but in this case, I didn't feel they were needed.
May God bless you both,
-
~John of AllFaith
Pastor John
Pastor John, Thank you very much for your clear and comprehensive response! It was very helpful...
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