- Do you still love me?
- Do you still desire me?
- Is it only porn or are you doing things in the "real world."
etc. - No extra marital affairs.
- Porn must remain hidden, or perhaps he needs to be completely open with you about his porn. Whatever you want and need for this to work.
Questioner: "L"
Subject: is my husband gay?Question:
hi. at the minute, im so hurt and confused i dont know what to do. i have been with my husband 5 years and married for 2. about 4 months before we got married i discovered homosexual texts and pics on his mobile phone and asked him what was going on. he denied any knowledge of them for about 2 days then said that he was curious about it and that was it. as i was pregnant at the time i didnt want to have my baby on my own so i let it go but always had a worry at the back of my mind. then at the start of this year there was a pic of a mans genitals on my computer and yet again he denied any knowledge. then afew days ago i was using his computer and got curious as to what he was lookig at. i was horrified to find pages and pages of gay pornograpy and i was shocked to the bone. he actually denied it was him and i sat and went through every page he looked at and it got more graphic. we have argued about it constanly for 2 days now and he now says he is bisexual. but then he will say he can stop looking and he is straight. i feel so hurt and alone. am i that repulsive to him? do you think that he is gay and if he is only bisexual, can we still have a marriage after all the lies????
please help me as i really dont know what to do
John of AllFaith's reply
Hi "L",Thanks for writing,
My heart goes to you. This must be hard to understand. In this reply I don't intend to justify anything, its not my place, however I don't think this is as serious as you fear.
In our society homosexuality and bisexuality are frequently condemned as perversions and porn is publicly rejected.
Publicly.
On the internet porn is a HUGE business. There is only one reason why this is so... a LOT of people like porn! Gay porn is a huge part of the internet porn business. Again, there is only one possible reason why this is so. A LOT of people, gay, bi and straight like gay porn. Its simply a fact.
Despite what most people say in polite society, statistics prove that most men are not as heterosexual as they pretend. Given the safety of Net anonymity, a lot of otherwise straight men will enjoy gay porn. In most "straight" porn there are members of both genders involved and the people who view such porn are clearly checking out both the men and women as they watch it.
So, is this is a bad thing?
It depends.
Moderation is certainly important. It is possible to become addicted to porn like anything else, that would obviously be a bad thing, but in my opinion, occasionally watching porn, gay or "straight," can even be a good thing for a marriage for some people. I'd be more concerned if the porn he views is violent, if it degrades the participants and so on, but simple porn is not, in my opinion, such a big deal.
One of the important things that sparks human interest in dating and marriage is the newness of it. Getting to know the other person, the excitement of courting and making love, the exploration of one another, and so on. At first couples may find it difficult not to touch. They hold hands, they kiss a lot, they make love a lot... Once couples are together for a long time however this initial roaring flame tends to calm into a predictable, warming source of heat. This is good! Extremes never last. Any relationship can make it for a while during the fires of initial passion, the secret to a good marriage is found in maintaining the steady fire.
Nonetheless, we humans, and I think its more true for men than women in this area (though this could be my own unintentional sexism talking ;-) still need some excitement to keep the blood rushing through our veins. For a LOT of men this comes through porn. Devoted and loving husbands often maintain the home fires, practice faithful monogamy to their life partner, while still enjoying the excitement of "forbidden pleasures." This is why Playboy, Penthouse, and yes, Playgirl too are such huge commercial success stories. With the Internet, porn is easily and readily available to anyone with access to the web.
There are a LOT of women (and men) whose spouses cheat on them, who have clandestine affairs that ruin their marriages and destroy families. From your description, it sounds like you have a faithful and loving husband who enjoys viewing porn and who keeps it in check. I would not be overly concerned about this whether its gay or "straight" porn. If he enjoys looking at guys he would be doing so while watching "straight" porn anyway. You have the benefit of knowing that he's not thinking about other women, right? Indeed it may be that his responsible use of porn will strengthen your relationship and help him deal with some of the hurdles every marriage must deal with at times.
As for his sexual orientation... It is my belief, as the Kinsey reports shows, that sexual orientation exists on a scale. Comparatively few people are on either extreme. There are some people, men and women, who are utterly heterosexual and some who are completely homosexual, these people are the minority in both cases. The vast majority of people exist somewhere in between. I think we can safely assume your husband is not on the extreme heterosexual end. No worries, most men are not.
You have been with him for five years. I assume your have been intimate during all of these years and he has fathered a child with you. From this we can assume that he is not completely on the homosexual end of the spectrum either. Very few people are. Like most men, he is somewhere in the center.
To me the real question is this: Do you love him? Do you want to remain his wife? If the answer is yes, and if he concurs, which it sounds like he does, then I see no problems here.
His lies about his interests are more troubling to me than than the gay porn. Try and consider this though, we live in a society with a LOT of hang-ups (I'm assuming here that you are in the US but the same would apply everywhere). Our culture, our media, our corporations all bombard us with sexual images and innuendos and then simultaneously condemn us if we act upon these natural urges. This schizophrenic nature of modern life creates a LOT of confusion and uncertainty for everyone. For men, especially a married man and a loving father, to acknowledge to his wife, let alone to himself, that he has attractions for other men and that he enjoys porn would be VERY difficult! What will she think of me? Will she leave me? Will she take my child? Will I be branded with the "scarlet letter"? Scary stuff!
So just as with many children, the initial reaction is "No! the dog ate my homework!" "No, the monster under my came out and messed my room up!" "No, someone else put that gay porn in my computer and cell phone!" Its a natural, if unfortunate, reaction. He doesn't want you to think poorly of him. He doubtless loves you very much, and yet he has this hunger, this desire to view porn and fantasize, to imagine himself in a fantasy world. Lots of people use escapism like this at times to get away from the stresses and responsibilities of modern life. Some people do this with video games, some with Maya Angelou books, and some with porn. Such things are often nothing more than distractions from the "real world." It may be as simple as that.
Here's what I'd do:
Choose a private, non-intimidating time (NOT in a public place) and tell him you want to talk about it openly. Allow him to share what he is ready to discuss without pressuring him too much, and really listen to him without value judgments if you can manage that. As he realizes that he can be open with you without being rejected by you, he will doubtless reveal more of his feelings, desires and possible concerns. As he does, his commitment to you and your marriage will probably increase. So, give him space and try to be a person he can talk openly with.
Also ask him your questions in as non-judgmental a way as possible:
If you have things you simply refuse to accept, deal breakers so to speak, share these openly as well:
Talk heart to heart about it. Assure him of your love and your commitment to the marriage and to him as a person.
If he feels he has to hide from you this can damage your relationship far more than his viewing porn ever could. So get it out in the open!
Lies are destructive things and for any marriage to be healthy there must be open and honest communication. Once you establish this, I see no reason why his browsing interests should be an impediment to a long and happy marriage. Communication and mutual respect is the key to a good marriage.
To help put things in perspective, with a large dose of humor, you might enjoy the first two videos on this page: http://allfaith.com/vids/humor.html
Blessings to you both and to your marriage,
Write back any time.
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~John of AllFaith
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