Questioner: "J"
Subject: just friendsQuestion:
- I am a 23 year old female college student who has been through a series of bad relationships with men. A few months ago, a fellow student began asking me out to eat and calling me regularly (several times a week at first). We seem to have very similar personalities and
share many interests. I was somewhat attracted to him but I was very confused about what he wanted from me. I felt like he was giving me mixed signals. Recently, he told me that he is gay and has been struggling with his sexual identity for years (he is 32). I told him that his sexual orientation made no difference to me; I still wanted to be his friend, especially since it seems like he really needs some supportive people in his life. I have several other gay friends and have learned from them how difficult it can be for someone who feels guilty about being gay (he is a devout Catholic).
Now that he has come out to me, he calls me every day. He tells me all the time how glad he is to have me in his life because he can be completely himself with me (not many people know he is gay). We have twice gone out to gay bars together; however, his behavior on those occasions has confused me even more.
Although he spoke with some of the men at the bar, he mostly paid attention to me. He danced with me, kissed me several times on the lips, and asked me to sit on his lap. He also said "It's a shame that I'm not straight. You and I would have so much fun if I were-- I'd even marry you."
He has also told me that he tends to be attracted to more effeminite men and that he had previously dated women because he thought it was the right thing to do but that he prefers men.
I want to be a supportive friend, but it is difficult for me when he acts flirtatiously towards me. I am afraid to say anything to him about this because I don't want to hurt him. I don't doubt that he is gay or expect that I could ever have a romantic relationship with him.
However, both of us are currently single-- I've found it hard to be interested in anyone else but him since all this began. He is the kind of person I'd want for a boyfriend-- except that he's gay. From what he's told me, I'd the sort of person he's looking for as well-- except that I'm a woman.
How should I deal with this situation without hurting either one of us?
John of AllFaith's reply
Hi "J",-
This is always difficult.
Our straight cultures like to make sure the line is clear, "Normal people are straight" and "not-so normal people are gay." The truth is however that very few people exist on either end of the spectrum. Most people are to some extent bisexual, even those who have never had a same gender experiences have felt the desires.
There are many people whose bisexuality manifests as a sexual desire for one gender and an emotional desire for the other. This sounds like the case here. Even though this is not uncommon, it can be difficult for everyone involved. Virtually everyone wants to be satisfied in both of these important areas of their lives and how this can be achieved can be daunting. Most gay men have close female friends in part for this reason.
If you consider a dating/marriage relationship with such a person, you will need to be able handle extramarital relationships.
I'm NOT suggesting this, but there are couples who rather than demand absolute sexual fidelity demand opposite gender fidelity. In other words, in this case, he can have sex with other males, but not with females other than you. Other possible arraignments include inviting a bisexual male into your bed from time to time and the three of you making love together and neither of you having sex with anyone else unless the other person is present. There are many alternative ways that people handle such situations.
In my opinion, such arraignments seldom work however because it is difficult for the heart to accept that "its only sex" even if the mind does. Jealousies tend raise their ugly heads.
While it might be possible that he would one day commit himself fully to you in monogamy, I would suspect it unlikely that such a commitment would never be broken. Going into as you are, you would need to be able to deal with it.
What I believe I would do in this situation is have an open and frank talk with him. I'd say something like this:
"I deeply care for you but it is clear to me that we can never be a couple. Because I love you so much and don't want to lose you as a friend, when you make advances that I know we can't fulfill it is very difficult for me. In order to preserve our friendship, we both need to avoid acting sensually towards one another." Own the feelings in other words, "I find it difficult... I need a line..." Typically gay men draw a clearer distinction between "love" and "sex" than women do. Own this and ask him to honor your feelings and needs. I think this will be non-threatening and he will be able to comply out of love and respect for you rather than feeling bossed or belittled.
Talk about it and agree. Then when he makes an advance, which he probably will, say, "ahem..." and back away. He'll get the message I think and conform to the new reality.
Unless you are both OK with playing the "game" it could well harm the relationship. Stated boundaries are therefore advisable in my opinion.
Sounds like you both are really close and open, so I'd just talk it through.
Hope this helps,
- ~John of AllFaith
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