Questioner: "T"
Subject: Is my boyfriend gayQuestion:
- I've been with my boyfriend for over a year,and some small things he does makes me wonder if he "bi"or just gay and afriead to come out. For example when we sit down and watch the tv and I'd see a gay person on a show I'd make a comment like "Dame it seems as if every one is gay" and he'd say yeah and I am to and laugh ,then turn around and say hes just playing. The first few times he said this I took it as a joke,now I find my self analizing every thing he says. How can I find out if he is homosexual with damaing his pride
John of AllFaith's reply
Hi "T",First, I applaud your desire to help him determine his sexual orientation. This is often a difficult situation that can be much easier if there is a supportive person involved.
Human sexual orientation is best thought of as a scale. On one side are people who are 100 homosexual from conception onward. Typically they always "knew" they were gay even before learning the language to describe it. They are who they are and nothing will ever change it.
On the other end of the scale are people who are 100 heterosexual. Likewise, there is no changing them. Both groups form a minority of human experience.
The vast majority of people are somewhere in between, with most folks being more toward the heterosexual side of the scale. By this analogy, bisexuals are at or near the center of the scale. I believe bisexuals outnumber either "true" gays or "true" straights, whether or not they ever act on their feelings and attractions.
Homosexuality, as well as bisexuality, is still looked upon harshly by large segments of society. Gay people still suffer from various legal and civil rights inequalities as well. There are very few people who "want to be gay." For one who is questioning his/her orientation it can be an uncomfortable thing to do have to deal with. Denial is very common.
First, I would stop all comments about gay people on television etc. IF he is dealing with same gender attractions and is uncertain about what his feelings are, and what they mean for his life and future, he probably already feels like "everyone knows" and is trying his best not to "be gay." It wont work of course, but he will try (again assuming you are correct).
As a kind and loving person, you want to be his support, a person he can, when he is ready, come out to.
Part of what make it so difficult is that people often feel they must "take sides." They don't! People should be free to be who they are. This is what he needs to know, that he can be whoever he is, and that you will still support him. Be his friend, not his counselor. And remember, just because he "seems gay" does not mean that he is.
The best thing that you can do, is be there for him. I am assuming you are both fairly young, teens to twenties, if so, it is perfectly normal for him to ponder such thoughts, whether or not he is gay.
Think of it as a chick coming out into the world. In order to be healthy, it must be allowed to leave its shell when it is ready. In the same way, for gay people to lead healthy, balanced lives, they need to be allowed to decide if, when and how to come out. Most come out first to close friends. Be his friend first, then his girlfriend (AND don't take his desires (or lack of desire) personally, its not you). Be patient with him, be there for him, and don't force the issue.
That's my humble suggestion to you. Quite often gay people are the last to know (or accept) that they are gay.
Write back anytime,
-
~John of AllFaith
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